[ the whole rhythm section was purple gang ]

[winterlive]

a friend asked me for my advice on how to handle herself w/r/t a recent bit of lj drama, and i'm just gonna reprint it here for my own reference, because god knows i've needed to hear this advice in the past.

if you take one look at a site and are grossed out, i'll tell you three things.

1. don't feel bad. you don't have to understand the kink and you don't have to like it. you can just say, homg squick squick ew ew ugh ugh flesh crawling now. that is perfectly acceptable and there is nothing wrong with it.

2. don't look. the impulse to rubberneck at things we find gross or horrifying is only human nature, but resist. it will not do anything for you. allowing yourself to get worked up about it at all will only lead to you feeling sick to your stomach and it will ruin your night. close the window, find something nice to think about, and think about it hard.

3. no, seriously, don't comment. no matter how bad you think it is, back away. this point of advice does not apply anywhere but here in livejournal, and the reason for that is that this is a community that comes with big fat warning labels slapped all over it. they read: TMI. by coming in here, you are guaranteeing that you will occasionally see things you don't like, and getting in any kind of huff about those things is just shooting yourself in the foot. you will not, under any circumstances, be able to say what you mean without getting accused of pissing in people's cornflakes, and you don't want that. another warning that comes with the internet: nothing you say is private. if you put it on the internet, it can be copy-pasted, and out of context. do not push that 'post' button. no matter how right you are, it is not worth it.


now, just to be clear, i have kinks that would totally gross some people out. have, actually. so when i try, i can come at this issue from both sides. the stuff that grosses me out is disgusting and awful and i'll tell anybody, but if the stuff i like grosses YOU out, i don't mind, but i don't want to hear about it. so the only way to be fair, to treat other people as i would like to be treated myself, is just to shut cakehole about this kind of thing and do something else.

like read the sookie stackhouse books. mmmmmmm, vikings.

Comments

[dodificus.livejournal.com]

like read the sookie stackhouse books.

Oh, hey! I've been trying to find someone who has read the books. I've just devoured the first season of True Blood and I'm thinking about whether or not I should try the books, are they good? Will I be pleased or dissappointed?

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

y'know, here's the thing about that.

the books and the TV show are not identical. they have the EXACT same tone, but different B plots, primarily with tara, jason and lafayette (all of whom i ADORE on the show).

the longer you read the sookie stackhouse books, the more you become aware that the author is very clearly one of us, like, for instance, there are a bunch of short stories that fit in between the books - memes from her wip. (i have 'em all, if you want.) but they are mad sexy and very funny.

so, like, are they shakespeare? no. are they enjoyable? absofuckinglutely. :D

[dodificus.livejournal.com]

You've sold me. I read the Dexter novels because I loved the show and although the plots were slightly different the feel was the same and that's what I'm after here. And I'd love the short stories that you have, thank you!

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

email me at my lj address & i'll send them to you. :)

[kdorian.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who read the books first, I was pleased with the TV series. As mentioned below, the secondary characters have a lot less play in the books - IIRC, Tara isn't even mentioned except in passing in the first book.

[dodificus.livejournal.com]

I adored the tv series, so if the books are anywhere near as good I'll be happy and winterlive has sold me on them so I'll definitely be giving them a go. Even though I have to agree that I'm going to miss all the supporting characters if their roles are diminished.

[kdorian.livejournal.com]

I think you will.

Oh, two words of warning -
1) in the books, Tara is white.
2) each book is a season, so if you read them you'll know what's going to happen on the shows, generally

[dodificus.livejournal.com]

1) When I think about this I have to keep reminding myself that the books came first and that this is how it was originally. But geez, it seems like such a huge change to a character:/
2) Thank you for that, depending on how much I enjoy the book I'll have to see if I can make myself stop after the first one:)

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

I have no idea of what you speak and yet I AGREE. Unless you are friendly with someone and know you are going to be having an actual conversation about the subject at hand and no one going to lose an eye, do. not. engage. Like Dionne Warwick sang, walk on by.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

WALK. ON. BY.

like, one might want to say something, and one might be right. one might be so right that the heavens themselves SING of how right one is. but one is gonna lose a friggin EYE. it is just way, way not worth it.

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

And really, if Xander Harris taught us anything it's that it's REALLY all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

if you love yourself at all, people! if you value your own state of mind and wellbeing over the absolute necessity to say what you think is Right and Wrong, do not comment! walk away! jesus mary!

[jamesinboots.livejournal.com]

You are terribly smart. <3333333333

SIGH. You know, I understand what you're saying, totally. I wish I had the strength to walk away when something was upsetting/annoying/aggravating/nauseating me all the time. :-/ I tend to get het up by the littlest things - I'm sure, er. You already know that. *pink!*

In my ideal scenario, I would just step away - godddddd, Danny, there have been so many situations in the last 6-12 months where I've said things where I really should have just kept my mouth shut. At the same time though, I think ... it's better for us sometimes to stand up for the things that we believe so strongly about than to shut up and pretend they don't bother us. But maybe it's a matter of choosing your battles in a way that'll help you sleep at night. I think there's a difference between getting into a fight w/ someone because they did something you can't possibly be expected to take lying down, and getting into a fight because of something like ... for example, say Bob thinks blowjobs are the grossest thing ever, but Lloyd likes them - obviously, Bob and Lloyd shouldn't argue about blowjobs.

I think people do have a horrible habit of antagonizing this shit though. :-/ I guess people feel like they get backed into a corner and are being oppressed, so they make posts blaming EVERYONE ("I like X thing, and if you don't agree, you're just a horrible, oppressing TOOL, and why are you friends with me anyway if you don't like it?"*), and nobody knows who is ACTUALLY to blame, so they all feel responsible. Bah. Vague James is a vague, sorries. Point is, one little disagreement on one issue tends to turn into this HUGE, full blown spot of drama before you know it, there are hurt feelings everywhere, people talking behind other peoples backs everywhere, and WOE, before you know it, things EXPLODE. :(

*I've actually been defriended before for saying to someone I didn't like X thing, but I still liked them. It was very sad-making. :(

At the same time, EFF. We totally all need someone to vent to - if something grossed me out terribly, chances are I'm going to tell someone about it just to know I'm not alone. But like you said - nothing we say is private, and it's pretty important to make sure we have this discussions with people who WANT to have them with us, not just have them b/c we expect everyone to think exactly like we do.

In conclusion: DRAMA. Too much of it, and over stuff that probably could be prevented if we stopped fighting over stupid stuff that we shouldn't really be getting involved in. If I hated hetfic (HET IS GLORIOUS, FOR THE RECORD), I wouldn't hang out at spn_het, would I? Surrounding yourself with stuff you hate is never a good idea. I learned that kind of the hard way. :-/

askkkkflhghg.hl; I'm sorry my comments to you are always like 900 miles long and go on about nothing. In short, I am tucking your advice into my pocket, I promise. It is very helpful, and will most likely help me stay sane. :*

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

it's better for us sometimes to stand up for the things that we believe so strongly about

to what PURPOSE? that's the big question here - what do you hope to gain by telling people your thoughts on yaoi?

[jamesinboots.livejournal.com]

Hee hee, you have to point out the one thing I've been agonizing over all night. :9 For me, the problem usually only arises when it's something that can applied to a realistic situation, not a fictional one. I was mostly thinking in the broader sense - this sort of ... I hate to say wank. This sort of drama generally leads to stuff a lot more personal. Once, there was a stupid argument about a stupid thing that turned into a stupid filtered post tearing apart someone I cared about, that I happened to see - I could have just defriended and left. Instead, I ranted to a friend (who could also see the post) via chat for an hour, and then I commented to tell the people involved exactly what I thought of them. Which was stupid of me, and the only thing I really gained from it was the peace of mind in knowing I stood up for my friend, but. Eeeeeef. I DON'T KNOW, DANNY. :( :( :( :( :(

For the situation in question here, I ... realize I *couldn't* gain anything by telling people my thoughts. RAH.

Anywho. I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME, MEAN IT. <3333333333333

P.S.: would you believe me if I said I actually have no idea what yaoi is? SIGH. I'll google in a second.

[pekover.livejournal.com]

Good advice! I've had a bit of trouble learning that lesson since I started on LJ, because, as you stress in your post, I don't really think it's a good rule to follow in RL. Well, even in RL I should probably think things through a little more, but on LJ - definitely.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

it's really a different scenario here, man - especially because EVERYTHING you say is on the record, y'know? it's just not the place to get hotheaded - not because of other people, but for your own protection. *hands*

[sophie-448.livejournal.com]

HAI. You're my favorite, k?

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

OKAY. <3

[batdina.livejournal.com]

you are a wise person. (there are stackhouse short stories? really? hrm.)

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

thanx, man.

and most certainly, yes, there are. you want?

[robanybody.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how much my stress levels drop when I just walk on by and avoid all the upsetting drama and wank. Good advice, beebs. <33333333

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

i wish i had always followed it omg. :*

here is something nice with which to distract yourself.

[robanybody.livejournal.com]

*explodes into a million bitty pieces of love*

OMG DANNY LOOK AT THEM.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

are they not so awesome!! :D :D :D

[nutkin]

I think everyone is guilty of not doing this simple, logical thing, but when you can suck it up and do it, it really does solve everything.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

even good advice the other way around, y'know? if somebody else says they hate my kink on their LJ, nobody's holding a gun to my head to go look. i should close the window, let 'em have their say and go back to doing what i was doing, and all the pointy, ugly furor will die down that much faster.

ugh i hate wank.

[nutkin]

As corny as it sounds, I really do like to take the ~live and let live~ approach to fandom. It's pretty much the only way to keep sane. As I mentioned in a recent entry, there is always someone more out there in terms of their boundaries than you are, and someone more vanilla. If we all just take a deep breath and scrollscrollscroll past the stuff that falls into the former category, life becomes a whole lot nicer.

And for me, I really kind of prefer it when people who are grossed out by the stuff I like just say so and move on, y'know? I don't want them to suffer in silence and feel like they have to read/participate/tolerate. I'm not here to squick people, I'm just here to do my thing.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

i know. i mean, either it bugs you so much that you feel you can't tolerate it, or it doesn't. and if it does, the defriend button is there for a reason. sometimes that leads to hard feelings, but better that than resentment piling up.

[untitleddemo.livejournal.com]

I feel my last comment was VERY DRAMATIC, gasp! I get easily excited and such. Anyway. You are right. Probably. Even though sometimes I get so frustrated about holding my tongue. True story! <333

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

HE CAN HELP W/R/T UR TONGUE

[untitleddemo.livejournal.com]

Oh Danners, you know just what to say. <333

Did you see the pic of him from today? HE LOOKS SO YOUNG.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

i didn't!! where's it at omg.

[untitleddemo.livejournal.com]

I LIKE HIM IN SCARVES, OKAY? I HAVE A WEAKNESS.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

that... jacket...

*faint*

[untitleddemo.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. I am sorry there are not more pics of Jared and Jensen IN COLD WEATHER. Sigh! <333

[katlike.livejournal.com]

You know, I've sort of ignored spn fandom this season, since I haven't been able to WATCH this season, and yet, I think the source of this got to me through ye olde internet mitosis.

I keep continuing this comment, then erasing, so I best just leave it there, huh?

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

jensen's face in that icon is the best thing in the history of ever, kat. this is an essential fact of the universe. i made that face myself, not so long ago.

[katlike.livejournal.com]

He's also horrified that I said mitosis when I meant osmosis, true fact.

I made this face, myself, and then hit the back button right fucking fast.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

ah, jensen's requirement for proper english, of course. :D

find some nice distractions, kat. there are some above for your convenience!